Since we were in Vegas for what felt like a month, we have decided to split the hash trash into various sections. Whether or not the other 68 parts get written is debatable. (Seriously guys. It’s not like you actually need to WORK when you’re at work.) Anywho, here is my totally accurate and not at all misrepresented version of the Hangover hash.
Sunday morning eventually rolled around which meant it was time for the 11th running of the Hangover Hash House Harriers. Many of us hadn’t really slept much since we arrived in the glorious desert oasis filled with booze, hookers, and shiny things. We congregated in the lobby of Harrah’s waiting for the hares to show up and started taking bets as to whether they were preparing trail or had finally succumb to exhaustion. (Or at least we should have taken bets. We kinda dropped the ball on that one seeing as how we were in Vegas and all.) We were fortunate to have a visitor join out little motley crew. Just Mervin rolled up, bright-eyed and bushy tailed, ready to hash. Finally the hares, G.T.O. and Whale’s Vagina, came rolling in ready to go. (Turns out most of us would have lost the bet.) Grinding Nemo blessed the hares and they were off. The rest of the pack stood around and drank whatever booze breakfast we grabbed from our rooms. (Fun fact: just because something is clear, does NOT mean it’s water.)
Eventually, the pack set off. Things started off well with various trail checks, tit checks, and naughty checks. Camo Sutra only ran into one stationary object along the way (because grace, coordination, and dignity are overrated). It was only one, however, so I call it a win. Pebbles kept worrying about her brother Just Russ. (awww) He had already gotten rug burns on his back from Nemo pulling him down hallway in the hotel (it was all Nemo- I swear!) What’s the worst that could happen?
We finally happened upon the entrance to the tunnel/aqueduct. Apparently the ‘No Trespassing’ sign scared most of the pack off. (Aren’t those just suggestions?) Osama bin Hashing, Just Mervin, and Camo set off down the legally questionably trail through Las Vegas’ water management system. The rest of the pack ran to the brunch location and (for some reason) decided to run trail in reverse. I’m sure there was much frivolity and debauchery along the way, but they’ll have to fill you in because I wasn’t there. (Also, it’s my Hash Trash, I can write it how I damn well please, thank you very much.)
On on down the trail, Osama, Just Mervin, and Camo made our way through UNLV, some desert and a few sketchy looking streets. At one point we came across what looked like a beer check with glasses to drink out of, but the beer was empty. Turns out it wasn’t a beer check, it was just very organized trash.
At some point, the three of hashers still on trail found ourselves no longer on trail. We searched high and low, but could not find where trail picked up again. After searching for about 4 hours (ok maybe my sense of time was a little off) we decided to call for help. At this point Camo took it upon herself to try to keep everyone calm and level headed. We were lost in an unfamiliar city in the desert; the last thing anyone needs is for someone to start getting pissy. Luckily, Just Mervin had a smartphone (and water) on him so we looked up people’s numbers and attempted to get back on trail. He looked at us as if we were suicidal for NOT having those with us. (Considering someone had previously been shanked on a Vegas Hash, he probably had a point.) Nemo pointed us in the right direction and we were off once again.
On on! We ran past a True Trail Arrow into another tunnel to the beer check. Apparently ‘true trail’ doesn’t always mean ‘true trail’. The other end of the tunnel was a dead-end with ‘back’ mockingly written in chalk. Maybe the hares were drunk. We ran back through the tunnel and past the false trail, once again. As we exited the tunnel, we happen to go out a slightly different section than we entered. It felt like we finally hit the jackpot; it was covered in spider webs. (Spiders are my favorite!) Camo once again tried to make sure that Just Mervin and Osama remained calm because hyperventilating would probably not be a wise choice at this point. Back on the phone to Nemo, Camo calmly inform him what she think of this trail and articulated that G.T.O and Whale’s can place this trail deep inside themselves in a manner that is not suitable for children or squeamish individuals. (Again, we must keep our composure). Nemo told us the name of the brunch location (which Just Mervin was thankfully familiar with) so we set off, once again. Osama made the wise choice to grab the remainder of the beer. At this point, we ran through an apartment complex past even more false trail arrows as well as a false pack arrow.
Our journey finally ended at the restaurant. Thoughts about the trail was once again expressed in a professional manner. Camo Sutra might have mentioned that Whale’s and G.T.O can kindly proceed to fornicate with themselves in an R rated fashion (again, in a manner not suitable for children). For some reason, Nemo and Saigon thought it best at this point to give her large quantities of food and alcohol.
We decided to skip the circle because G.T.O. and Just Anna had to drive back to L.A in order to miss their flight.
Possible violations might have included calling out the hares for their, um...interesting approach to marking trail, the majority of the pack for running trail backward (although in their defense, that’s the way the arrows pointed), and the telephone pole for jumping out at hashers (how rude!).
On - The house always wins - On